Behind closed doors: Baby blues

We’ve all heard of postpartum depression but before having your bundle of joy you never knew there was even such a thing as the ‘baby blues’.

This period of time, where all your hormones are on edge, can last anywhere from 2 weeks to a month. As to be expected they first started after giving birth, you’ve been left in a room with this strange new human with absolutely no idea what to do with them. All you can do is stare at them and hope to God nothing happens to them under your watchful eye.
The first to kick in is the tears and feeling of loneliness. Hubby’s gone home for some much needed rest and the midwifes are busy doing their change over with it being 7am. You’ve been shown nothing except in the antenatal classes which included how to bathe them and change their nappy but you feel like if you move they will break.
With this being your first child you haven’t a clue about feeding, you expect them to just wake up and cry when they are hungry but he doesn’t wake for what seems like hours. When the midwife finally comes to check on you she asks if you have fed your baby yet, and when your response is no she looks at you like you should know what you’re doing and tells you that in order to feed him you will sometimes have to wake him up. This obviously makes you feel like a failure and then you panic thinking that he’s starving to death on his first day of life.
When left alone again you stare at the poor helpless baby in his cot and wonder how on Earth you’re going to look after him, you know nothing about babies. Already feeling like a train wreck from giving birth, you now feel stupid, helpless, tired, overwhelmed and paranoid that if you look away even for a second something drastic may happen.
Fast forward to coming home. You’ve had no sleep, you daren’t look away, you think if you put him down he will wake up (which is usually the case), and you and Hubby take it in turns to hold him while the other eats.
When being told to go to bed you can’t help but stare in to your beautiful boys face and the happy tears begin to flood, scaring the life out of your partner who has no idea why you’re crying while you mumble something along the lines of ‘he’s just so small and precious’ ‘I don’t want to leave him’. He of course thinks you’re crazy but nobody can understand what you’re feeling.
Nothing you do is good enough, you feel like the world’s worst mother and you can’t control your emotions. One minute you’re happy, the next you spill a bit of milk and have a breakdown. Even after 3 months, some days you still can’t help feeling useless when you don’t understand what he wants and he won’t stop crying.

Any other new mothers had this experience? Leave your comments below.

15 thoughts on “Behind closed doors: Baby blues

  1. I still have them at times. I was an emotional wreck with a failing relationship on top of it. Constant fear and anxiety was not fun. Not to mention she wouldn’t latch properly so I pumped that comes with its own problems

  2. This brought back so many emotions for me, especially about the midwives asking if you’ve fed them – had that exact thing happen! So important that women know it’s normal and also the warning signs of when it starts to turn into postnatal depression. Thank you for being so honest in this post 💛

  3. Hi, I’m not a mother or mother-to-be myself but I still found this post really interesting!
    You’re really brave to talk about it openly and I love your honesty xx

  4. I’m so sorry you felt like this!
    I’m not a mother so I have no idea how it feels but with everything, time and adjustment always helps. It will get better but a HUGE life changing thing has just happened and that’s a scary thing. You’re not alone, many people feel this way and you’re fortunate to have your husband by your side too.
    Good luck and congratulations!

  5. I’ve never thought about what it must feel for new first time mums when they have just given birth to this small stranger. The mix of emotions must be so overwhelming! Thank you for sharing 🙂

  6. I suffered awful baby blues with my first (twins) twelve years ago. I upped and walked out of the house and drove to my mums and cried for a whole day. Luckily it faded away quickly after that.
    I went on to have five more babies and never suffered again. For me, i believe feeling empowered and in control during your labour has a big effect on baby blues.
    It is so lovely of you to share your experience xxxxx

  7. Your being open about this subject is very brave! I have so much respect for you for doing so. Mothers are supposed to always be very strong people but it’s hard work mentally and physically. I’m not a mother genetically but I did raise my younger sister for 10 years almost entirely on my own. I hope you find someone who is also going through this!

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